My dear countrymen,
I have given 4 speeches from these very ramparts. Today I come to you as a changed man. I am only going to speak the truth and nothing but the truth. And I am going to keep it brief, trust me.
The world has recognized me as a statesman now, Trumpji is going to look for a suitable bride for me and China is committed to financing me. With two superpowers behind me, it is now time for me to act like them. Trumpji doesn’t cloak his feelings at all! He puts his views and intelligence on public display all the time. I have not only done what he does, but I have done it much better, my first serious shot about gas was really well received. And Xi Jinpingji has already told the world that he should be President for life. So I have decided today to make it clear today that Modi Rashtra should be established, for life.
Now, I do not need to speak of the many schemes I have spoken of them in the last four years, namely Pradhan Mantri Jan-Dhan Yojana, Make In India, Digital India, Sānsad Adharsh Grām Yojana, Swach Bharat Abhiyan, Swach Vidyalaya, Start-Up India, Pradhan Mantri Krishi Sinchai Yojana, Atal Pension Yojana, Pradhan Mantri Suraksha Yojana, Skill India, Pradhan Mantri Jeevan Jyoti Yojana, Pradhan Mantri Fasal Beema Yojana, Beti Bachao Beti Padhao, Sukanya Samridhi Yojana, Indradhanush Vaccination Program, Pradhan Mantri Mudra Yojana, Uday Yojana. I will not speak because every time I announce a scheme and its figures, someone or the other does a fact check that exposes the hollowness of my ingenious sounding schemes.
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Incidentally, I have been aching to confess that I like the word Pradhan Mantri the best in the world. I wish to be remembered as the Prime Minister who launched a thousand Pradhan Mantri Schemes. In fact, I would like to rename every street, every town, every institution as Pradhan Mantri but my friend AD tells me that there would be some confusion with the addresses. Also, I had committed to my friends in Nagpur that we will replace the name Mughal with Deen Dayal Upadhyay everywhere. They have just informed me that Mughlai Chicken will now be called Deen Dayal Upadhyay Chicken, Mughal Miniature Art will now be called Deen Dayal Upadhyay Miniature Art, and Mughal Emperor Akbar will now be called Deen Dayal Upadhyay Emperor Akbar, in fact their whole dynasty will now be called the Deen Dayal Upadhyay Dynasty. Take that.
My dear brother and sisters,
I will not speak on OROP or the armed forces because time and again it has been exposed how this government has repeatedly failed them. A junior most soldier can post a video and expose me. Not just that, I don’t want to discuss how many lives have been lost due to increased hostilities in Kashmir and on the border.
I won’t speak on Rural Electrification anymore because even if I name an obscure village like Nagla Fatela, someone will know the truth about it. Who in the world can even find Nagla Fatela on the map for God’s sake!
I won’t talk about LED bulbs anymore because you will find out that these are part of my commitment made to China and other Chinese contracts, like the currency one, will come tumbling out of the closets of 7 Lok Kalyan Marg. Would be so much better if we called it 7 Pradhan Mantri Marg, don’t you think?
There will be no more talk on Aadhaar as my surveillance project is going rather well, as well the scheme to deny benefits to starving people through Aadhaar. I don’t want to jinx it do I Mitron? Sanjay Gandhi had his ways, I have mine, thanks to my new friend Nandan Nilekani.
The less said about MSP and farmer issues the better, there are too many protests and marches happening for me to successfully lie about it.
I don’t need to talk about education because we now have control of overall institutions and universities. Soon we will shift the printing of all textbooks to Gita Press in Gorakhpur. For now, we know how to take care of rebel students. They can be driven to suicide, they can disappear, or they can be shot at in broad daylight.
And the economy, well, despite my blunders with Demonetisation and GST implementation I have found a way to fudge GDP figures, and the formula can always be changed at my convenience. And the silly fools called my predecessor an economist!
I don’t need to pay lip service to women’s equality and safety anymore. My party men have successfully shown women their place from Kathua to Unnao.
My Gujarat has led the way in showing Dalits their place and I am pleased that Una model is being copied across the country. When I talk of making India great again, I clearly mean make upper caste Hindu males great again.
There is no need now to talk about Triple Talaq anymore because reforming Islam was never my agenda, it was and is to subvert them. I don’t even need to lift a finger to do it anymore. My bhakts are now empowered by my silence and are armed to strike terror without notice.
Free speech and the free press are relics of a strange past, sooner forgotten the better.
So brothers and sisters,
On this 71st Independence Day, I now declare your complete dependence on me. We are no longer the Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Republic of India. We are now Modi Rashtra.
And yes, I now rename the Red Fort as Pradhan Mantri Modi Qila.
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